Power Smoke Adventures - Deadwagon - Feb 4 2002

A day in the life of being white trash and having to drive an old dodge. By Matt Yore

So there I was, just about to sink my chompers into some redneck food at Holtz' birthday party. We had chicks there and everything. Russ was late as usual but we didn't think anything of it until my phone rang. Russ decided to stop in Dixon because his truck made terrible noises and vibrated a little more than usual because his crankshaft broke in half. So I say I'll be there soon (just like last time I had to go pick him up when the mazda choked on the turbo or something like that). So I still ate some dinner, then drove to Dixon where he was hanging out by himself on the side of I80. We hooked up his trusty tow strap and pulled his broken dodge back up the onramp (backwards, cause we can) and then towed it to the Cattlemen's parking lot for the night. The next morning we towed it to Davis and found some new back roads that go by the Monkey test center and some nether regions of the campus. When we got to town, we hit every red light possible as expected, but that was ok, cause it gave me the chance to race people (while towing a dodge).

Russ was later caught saying "That was the first time I felt acceleration in the Power Wagon".

I said "shit, I was still taking it easy on your tow strap cause I know your gonna need it again."

Then to make a short story even longer, we decided to rent a trailer and haul the beat up dodge to Grass Valley where Russ would perform miracles and bring it back to life. But how do you get a 7000 lb Dead Wagon that is 85 in wide on a 6000 lb trailer that is 84 in wide? Well that takes talent...

Figure 1. Russ shows his love and aggression.

First off you block up the trailer and put your favorite jack stands under the back. Once again, you hook the dodge to the ford and start pulling it up the ramp. You put pieces of ply wood on the corners of the trailer to funnel the tires in. Wiggle the wheel a little. And hold on as the trailer rolls forward (tipping over the jack stands and crushing them) and the hitch points toward the sky.

Figure 2. What the hell was that?

Figure 3. Hey Russ, remember my Birthday...

So then you just pull harder with the Ford and squeeze the obese dodge into the trailer. (Side note: to align the rear wheels with the trailer rails, you may need to put a snap on floor jack under the hitch with an unsafe number of blocks, raise the back end of the ground and have a couple of beer drinking friends push for all their worth and roll the ass end of the truck over say 4 inches or so.) Then you air all the tires up on the trailer so they are not rubbing the sidewalls anymore cause the guy at the rental yard said we are responsible for tire damage as he was swapping tires (tyres for our British speaking friends) around from various trailers to get 4 "good ones". Then you hook the trailer back up to the ford and display victory emotions.

Figure 4. Powerstroke not included in your Power Wagon Club start up kit/membership.

Then you load up the dog and head to grass valley. But don't go over 57 because one of those trailer whipping, 17,000 lbs of half way out of control multi degree of freedom vibrations starts that will literally make your dog take a crap in the back of your truck. Actually, the trailers moment of inertia, J, was greater than m*a*b. Where m is the total mass, a is the distance from the hitch to the center of mass, and b is the distance from center of mass to axle center. I think m and b were are problems, but then again, I din't do all that well in that class. Also, to make the slow trip interesting, roll down the windows when driving next to the sound walls in the city to listen to the pipe as you grab fourth and build up some boost. On the way back, you can go 75 and not look back, all the way to the rental yard!

Until next time,

Matt